Hobbit
DSPatrician
- Oct 20, 2023
- 2,262
How many of you were raised in a broken home?
Frens, I wish I had a proper loving, caring dad. My dad ruined his previous family before he had my sister and I. When I was born, he used to abuse my mum in front of me which caused me C-PTSD later on in the future according to my psychiatrist. I tell my mum nowadays about what he did to me and her but she's in complete denial and says I'm exaggerating. I don't think I am. I can't be, right? It gave me PTSD, so surely not. When my sister was born, my mum left him because of the abuse and came back to where I live now - and where she was raised. My father followed us back here and tried to portray himself as caring and like he loved me. I think it was a facade in order to make amends for what he did to us. But it didn't work regardless, because no matter what I never reciprocated my love for him. I pretended to, but I firmly believe he saw through my mask. He eventually got with an abo lady and she was a real bitch to me, calling me a "mama's boy" for not visiting them (I hated abos - always have and always will - and the PTSD of the childhood abuse was beginning to take shape, so seeing him was extremely difficult emotionally). It didn't help that he knocked her up and had a half-caste daughter, who is now my half-sister. I don't talk to her or anything, obviously. That's because she's an abo and I want nothing to do with him.
When he left town (I suspect his drug addiction - which he always had - and drug dealing played a role in that), I didn't see him for many years. He never contacted me, even forgetting my birthdays. It's so awkward whenever I see him now.
He's still in frequent contact with my full sister, but not me. I just think to myself when I hear he contacts and calls her, "I'm your only son. I'm the only one who can continue your surname. Do you not know that? I could forever stop your surname from continuing." Perhaps that's my obsession with genealogy and lineage and bloodlines, though.
The last time I tried to seriously end my own life by hanging myself (I would have succeeded too, had I not been seen and had the emergency services called; it was scary, because the police rescue, police, and ambulance all came and knocked my door down to get to me. My mum came home when it was happening and freaked out; I think I gave her PTSD from it. It was petrifying) he called me up crying and begging me to never do anything like that again. He never knew about my previous or future attempts as far as I'm aware. But once I got off the phone, I felt nothing. I didn't feel anything when he was bawling his eyes out to me. I don't think that's normal, right? Perhaps I'm a partial sociopath, who really knows.
Anyway, I digress.
When I become a father - if I do - I damn well will not repeat the mistakes of my own. It takes a real man to be a dad, but anyone can be a father. I learnt that the hard way.
Sorry for the vent thread frens. I just needed to talk to someone. I just feel like crying for some reason. Maybe it's the lack of sleep I've been getting lately. I've been staying up 24-72 hours at a time sometimes. I've been hallucinating and shit. My psychosis has been playing up. I need my meds, probably. I've been having intrusive thoughts about breaking up with my gf, and I think I will if I can't get help.
I do apologise again for being much more negative than I usually am.
Thank you if you read this bros.
Frens, I wish I had a proper loving, caring dad. My dad ruined his previous family before he had my sister and I. When I was born, he used to abuse my mum in front of me which caused me C-PTSD later on in the future according to my psychiatrist. I tell my mum nowadays about what he did to me and her but she's in complete denial and says I'm exaggerating. I don't think I am. I can't be, right? It gave me PTSD, so surely not. When my sister was born, my mum left him because of the abuse and came back to where I live now - and where she was raised. My father followed us back here and tried to portray himself as caring and like he loved me. I think it was a facade in order to make amends for what he did to us. But it didn't work regardless, because no matter what I never reciprocated my love for him. I pretended to, but I firmly believe he saw through my mask. He eventually got with an abo lady and she was a real bitch to me, calling me a "mama's boy" for not visiting them (I hated abos - always have and always will - and the PTSD of the childhood abuse was beginning to take shape, so seeing him was extremely difficult emotionally). It didn't help that he knocked her up and had a half-caste daughter, who is now my half-sister. I don't talk to her or anything, obviously. That's because she's an abo and I want nothing to do with him.
When he left town (I suspect his drug addiction - which he always had - and drug dealing played a role in that), I didn't see him for many years. He never contacted me, even forgetting my birthdays. It's so awkward whenever I see him now.
He's still in frequent contact with my full sister, but not me. I just think to myself when I hear he contacts and calls her, "I'm your only son. I'm the only one who can continue your surname. Do you not know that? I could forever stop your surname from continuing." Perhaps that's my obsession with genealogy and lineage and bloodlines, though.
The last time I tried to seriously end my own life by hanging myself (I would have succeeded too, had I not been seen and had the emergency services called; it was scary, because the police rescue, police, and ambulance all came and knocked my door down to get to me. My mum came home when it was happening and freaked out; I think I gave her PTSD from it. It was petrifying) he called me up crying and begging me to never do anything like that again. He never knew about my previous or future attempts as far as I'm aware. But once I got off the phone, I felt nothing. I didn't feel anything when he was bawling his eyes out to me. I don't think that's normal, right? Perhaps I'm a partial sociopath, who really knows.
Anyway, I digress.
When I become a father - if I do - I damn well will not repeat the mistakes of my own. It takes a real man to be a dad, but anyone can be a father. I learnt that the hard way.
Sorry for the vent thread frens. I just needed to talk to someone. I just feel like crying for some reason. Maybe it's the lack of sleep I've been getting lately. I've been staying up 24-72 hours at a time sometimes. I've been hallucinating and shit. My psychosis has been playing up. I need my meds, probably. I've been having intrusive thoughts about breaking up with my gf, and I think I will if I can't get help.
I do apologise again for being much more negative than I usually am.
Thank you if you read this bros.
