Rebbington
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- Aug 12, 2021
- 3,610
I don’t like doing anything but whenever I help someone else I actually get an eminence amount of happiness and I feel normal I am not a good person at all I can’t say this enough I’ve been mulling over it and I am just looking to use my otherwise pointless existence to try and atleast give someone else a nice day or two I am either going to try and become a missionary which would be a stretch because I am not Christian or all that smart but it’s the prospect of being apart of a positive force that makes me smile so far I’ve been building up to doing something actually good I’ve been litter picking around some of the countyside for ages and just doing small things I am kinda good when it comes to manual tasks I can do anything within reason and with the correct orders if I can’t find a group to join I’ll probably just wander around I can fish hunt and purify water I have lots of survival skills and I know all about British fauna and animals the only problem with going on a nomadic journey would be my money and dependance on nicotine and extreme love of a drink I could probably push by it but it would be harrowing due to my extreme lack of general motivation I’ve been thinking of doing something like this for years Scotland is a very nice place to wander around but I don’t think most people would let me help because they wouldn’t tell me what’s wrong I would obviously inquire if they need a hand I don’t care about money at all i really hate money honestly and it would devalue my efforts if anyone knows of any British groups that actually go and help those who need it please let me know I don’t mind working alone but I’d rather have the support from an organisation to supply me with required equipment so I can help to the fullest extent I might read the bible again and try to retain information so I can maybe pass off as a Christian so I can try and get into a missionary group I don’t really care if I get sent off to some shithole and I get malaria and die I honestly couldn’t care less if I died after an hour of helping and I don’t care about the people I care about the actions and the betterment of the idea of help it might just be my retardation speaking but I just want to give back after taking all this undeserved oxygen I don’t care if I do small things or big things as long as I am occupied I am content I am an extremely bitter person but I don’t show indifference to people I despise the majority of the population but I still want to aid them in whatever way I can I don’t know why my brain is wired this way even the guys that beat the shit out of me in school i still supported them and helped them even if they never asked I remember a specific guy I met a few years ago when I was in school he was nasty and horrible to me and would make fun of me and use my “kindness” to his advantage by making me do things like his homework and stuff like that I could obviously refuse but I did anyways I found him outside one day crying under a stairwell and I hugged him and let him cry into my shoulder it turns out he was raped and abused by his own family I never felt all that bad for him but I still comforted him he never showed me any kindness even after that or was even nice to me he still hit me he still called me names and yeah it hurt but for some reason I still helped him I’ve done that with about anyone I don’t really hold malice for people that have wronged me I hate them internally I know I could beat him I know I could retaliate but i made the conscious decisions to in a way forgive him and take the anger and hate that was hurtled at me daily by just about anyone I am very easy target for anyone in all honesty I am not a mma kick-boxer or sas trooper I am just a normal man it’s not that I don’t let it bother me it eats me up everyday and everytime it feels worse I still don’t know why my brain stops me from being overtly mean I want to hurt them but I don’t really it’s a weird thing to describe I personally don’t even know what it is that makes me like this you can call me a pushover or whatever and I’d agree I am but i can’t chose to not be it’s not in my nature if that makes any sense sorry for the long essay without any punctuation lmao I like writing shit out like this full stops are gay but again if anyone knows of any groups that match what I am looking for tell me please I am currently looking into groups and organisations for about a month but it’s always been in the back of my mind it felt like a pipe dream but I am taking this pretty seriously now honestly
