I can't genuinely be attracted to other women because of my oneitis.

[Deleted member 2463]

I feel uncomfortable every time I develop emotions toward women other than my oneitis. It's also hard, like I'm putting in a lot of effort to create such bonds. I struggled to watch porn, I couldn’t be attracted to any video until I started imagining my oneitis, which made me enjoy porn again. I sexted a girl once, and I mentioned Susan Atkins, trying to compare the two of them. Even today, when I was on the train, I felt genuine attraction to a girl there only because she resembled Susan Atkins, despite the fact that there were more beautiful women on the train. I can’t even kiss images of other women except for Susan. The closest woman to Susan is Nancy Pitman, I’ve tried but I couldn’t create any strong emotion toward her.

 

[frightfulcel]

Hows your relationship with your family? Especially mother

 

[Deleted member 2463]

Hows your relationship with your family? Especially mother

I would describe it as stable recently. It was very bad last month when they found out about my drinking and my suicidal desires. I was very depressed and had no energy to do anything. My sister took me to a psychiatrist, and I was willing to take medication to ease my mind and try to do something with my life. Unfortunately, the medication ruined my emotions toward my oneitis. The combination of Olanzapine, SSRI, and benzos was a traumatic experience, I felt nothing toward my oneitis because of the medication. I pledged to protect my emotions for her. Nowadays, my mom and dad allow me to smoke and drink because I am productive. It’s like a choice between being productive or taking the medication. In fact, I don’t care about being productive, it’s just an outlet to enhance my emotions for my oneitis. I’m planning to buy psychedelics next.

My father is type of guy who tries to keep the situation calm. He doesn’t bother me much, unlike my mother. She always criticizes me for my oneitis, smoking, and drinking. My older sister is like a second mother. I refused medication and remained suicidal, which drove her crazy. She told me she loves me and doesn’t want me to kill myself. She even pushed and scratched my arms. Honestly, I don't feel anything about my family’s love. One time, while meditating over a photo of my oneitis, the experience was very spiritual. I completely got zoned out from the world and other people, including my mother. The bond to my mother totally got destroyed. I felt more connected and content with my oneitis than with my mother or anyone else.

I fight with my mom every day. I told her that I don’t love her and wish she were dead. I even told her that I would be willing to kill her if my oneitis asked me to. But sometimes, we still have friendly conversations. I’ve abused my mom the most, but she still cares about me.