Rebbington
đź‘ą
- Aug 12, 2021
- 3,619
I hate being by myself constantly I just want friends honestly I just want a girlfriend or just friends I can hang out with ive missed out on so fucking much because no one likes me I did put in the effort when I was in high school but still i was put in a constant cycle of just being laughed at I just hate how my life has just been the exact same forever it’s never been any different I’ve just sat around doing nothing because there isn’t anything to do I just ain’t in the know for parties or anything cool fucking hell I just hate me for being me I am so fucking terrible at literally everything I have no abilities or anything I am just weak slow and dumb there is legit nothing remotely positive about me I just hate the vicious cycle of my life and how it’s just becoming harder and harder every second I don’t know when it will all just end I just want a car to fucking murder me and then maybe I’ll be noticed once on the news who am I kidding I’d be in the newspaper in the middle with the title being man struck by car and nothing else but that is the best possible outcome I am so fucking invisible I’ve been mistaken as a new neighbour or new to my town by people I walk past the every day and it was the same in school and everything else it’s just people stamping me down even lower into the very bottom of myself I know the grammar I am using is nonexistent but I really dont even expect anyone to read all this I like just randomly typing shit that comes into my head it’s one of the small pleasures I have but I just hate existing so much I don’t even have rage or sadness it’s just pure unfiltered disgust that makes me cry it’s so intense I barely even feel comfortable I can’t actually stand being in my own skin I just roll into a ball and wriggle around when I have nothing to do and I just hate it every second I am aware that I am me and I’ll always be me until I die but I take that back I am full of anger and sadness and it just comes out as revulsion I just can’t stand it I am so fucked that my emotional pain has manifested into physical pain it actually fucking hurts to live and it’s quite literal i am never relaxed or satisfied it’s just an empty pit of bullshit that’s it there isn’t a magic cure it’s just my brain it doesn’t even feel like my own all it’s doing is telling me to cut myself even more and more it’s just violent and suicidal thoughts constantly and it never switches off ever it’s just so fucking intense I don’t even know what’s happening I am now being followed by random fucking people now they have been waiting around my house for ages and I think they will probably kill me and I’d honestly enjoy that just slipping away into permanent night forever i dont care how painful it is because nothing can be worse than existing as me at least those nigs in Africa can fuck and run around with friends that’s what life’s all about humans are social creatures and I want a social life and the fact I’ll never get one just hurts me I just want to die that’s it I just hate being here on this planet I am such a waste of oxygen I just wanna die that’s it I just want death hell I crave it but suicide seems pointless I think I am just here to suffer and i had recently tried with painkillers well paracetamol ik it’s a bitch way of killing yourself but in the end I just puked them back up I am now just thinking about maybe getting a gun or something but I’d probably fuck it up and just become even more subhuman idk ik there are lots of ways but I am kinda scared not about dying just about the process I just don’t have it in me to jump into a train or something I am not quite there yet but I feel I’ll be there soon all these sleepless nights and evil thoughts will just get me there I hope and I don’t want it but I need to just let go and I can’t I am still holding out to be saved I guess it won’t happen but still I just have this weird fantasy of something or someone just helping me and all of this will feel like a bad dream but that’s just fake that won’t happen but I am somewhat holding onto this little bit of hope I have its very precious to me but I know it’s a dead end and I really don’t think I’ll even see my 21st birthday honestly hell doesn’t even seem that bad at least then someone will give a fuck about punishing me and it wont just be myself I’ll just be in a lake of fire and that’s it just want someone to be nice to me honestly I just want to be shown something nice I just need it I can’t live like this anymore I just can’t stand it anymore I just hate it I hate being lonely I hate being short and ugly I hate being an outcast I hate just being a weird onlooker into everyone else I just want to be seen
Last edited:
