Story Press commentaries from Donald Trump after an hypothetical event involving incels (not far fetched from reality, actually)

[MelaninQueen]

Scene: White House Rose Garden, June 18, 2025. President Donald J. Trump stands at the podium flanked by Vice President J.D. Vance and Department of Government Efficiency Director Elon Musk. Reporters are gathered on either side.

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Reporter 1: Mr. President, can you comment on the recent blackout and the Incel Protection Force’s claim of responsibility?


President Trump (pauses, squints at papers): Well, I hear about this blackout — a terrible thing, such a terrible thing. They say it was caused by... people calling themselves “in-sells,” is that right? What’s an incel again? (He leans toward an aide, whispers) “Incel” — someone who can’t, uh, get a date?


[Murmurs among reporters]


Trump (clears throat): Okay, so these “in-sells,” whatever they are, they knocked out our power. It’s an act of war. We will find them, believe me. They’ll be hunted down so fast you won’t believe it.


Reporter 2: Why not blame cyber vulnerabilities, sir?


Trump: No, no cyber. These were real bombs, real torches — real bad guys. And look, I want to thank Elon — Elon over here — (gestures to Musk) — he’s doing a great job with this new Department of Government Efficiency, DOGE. He’s told me we’re beefing up security at every power plant. They’ve got alarms, guards, everything.


Elon Musk (nods quietly): We’re installing advanced sensor networks and rapid-response teams nationwide, Mr. President.


Trump (smiles): See? Even Elon understands security.


Reporter 3: Mr. President, there’s criticism that this could have been prevented under President Biden’s watch. Thoughts?


Trump (points at imaginary camera): Of course. You know why this happened? Because Joe Biden weakened our grid. He cut corners, he caved to China, he cut funding for maintenance. Remember they told you “infrastructure week”? They never did the work! If they’d done the maintenance, none of this happens. But I made America great, and I built strong — strong grids, strong everything.


Vice President J.D. Vance (murmurs “exactly”):


Reporter 4: Mr. President, will you sign new domestic terrorism bills?


Trump: Absolutely. I’ll sign whatever you give me. Tougher penalties. And I want to thank Congress — wonderful people — for moving quickly on the Infrastructure Protection Act. We’ll lock these criminals up for life.


Reporter 5: Finally, sir—


Trump (raising hand): Last question? Make it good.


Reporter 5: What would you say directly to those “incels” watching at home?


Trump (laughs): Incels? Really? You know, I don’t know what that word even means. But I’ll tell them this: shape up, get a haircut, and go get a girlfriend! (Laughter)

 

[MelaninQueen]

The special sauce is... fiber optic wired drones.

 

[MelaninQueen]

But I’ll tell them this: shape up, get a haircut, and go get a girlfriend! (Laughter)

 

[SuckyCuckyDuck]

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"Shape up" while they've been forcefully inserting foid whales in media is diabolical.