Story The worst feeling of all time is to have someone only to lose them forever.

Polar-Z

Polar-Z

so tiresome
Aug 3, 2023
2,515
I don't know how to start with this, so I'll just write it down as I go. Probably not something some brocels wanna hear cuz some of you never got to experience any form of affection or a relationship, technically neither did I since my story is about a long distance relationship from childhood.

My autistic story began back in 2013, When Aot was quite popular, a guy named feng made an online multiplayer fan tribute game. At first I preferred playing solo since I lacked any intretss or online friends and I was extremely shy as a kid to the point even texting felt suffocating. then one day I decided to join a big server and see what it's like to have a shared experience in a place where I wouldn't awkwardly stand out like a loser even in a childish game. That was the day I met my first online friend. Probably the first kid to ever connect with both online or irl. His name was danny, an African-american geek who loved to draw dbz and mortal combat, teen titans art. Now back then I truly was a foreigner to western worldview and culture. A pure muslim ethnic type, thd kind with no dream or hobbies of their own. See, most of the people in my country don't exactly peruse dreams or hobbies if there's no money involved in it. Unlike western countries (maybe it's a luxury we can't afford idk) but That's how we were raised. in a collectivist mindset as children. We go to school, we learn a skill of trade. We grow up we get a job get married have kids become more religious with fime then perish. And that's that.

Anyways, danny despite being someone who didn't say much had always rubbed on me and left an influence at a young age (we were like 13-14) At first he showed how to mod and pirate shit. Then he'd make re-skins for our characters and avatars. Used to roleplay as scorpion and sub zero. Smoke and noob saibot. I even still have some skins he left on my Facebook page. Soon enough, we started chatting im Skype where he'll teach me basically everything I know today regarding the English language. I shit you not. Some goddamn 14 year old kid from America taught me more of what I know today than some legit certified teachers in my shit hole ever could. Back then I was as oblivious as child with down syndrome. I didn't even understand what microaggression sarcasm was. Anyhoo, with time we started to make more characters together and soon enough more players wanted to join us in our servers and roleplay with us. Danny wanted to make art more than anything else so he joined forums where artists post their stuff. I decided I wanted to find more guys like us looking for a group to chat with. So i created a Facebook page for the game and invite them in. I called it undead of the night and things went better than I even can imagine as a kid. At best, I had hoped that the group will have at least 10 members or so. But as time went buy we had more than 40 guys and mostly active too. It was a blast to have so many guys to talk to. We'd organise meetings and discuss our lives for hours.

Then one day I wanted to add more members so I joined more servers from Europe and asia. That was the day I met her. Sassy-girl. in a polish group where the non-guests spoke mostly in their laniguge. At first I kept quiet for hours just observing them like a retard. Suddenly, one girl named snowwy approached me and asked me to join in. I remember she used to love to finish every sentence with "xD" which I found both extremely cute and annoying. Most of the guys were uncaring and uninterested in me because I had nothing to say but snowwy was just...one of the most extroverted and friendliest characters I ever met at the time. So naturally i wanted her to join my group but she refused and said she already had her own group in kik (and later on discord where they kept in touch for years). So she had the idea of asking her friend sassy to join with me instead. Sassy was the quiet type at first who'd only answer in yes or no or pms. She she said yes, but only if I invited her on kik or skype as well. I didn't have a kik at the time so I lied and instantly made one but I had no group to invite her in so I added her but kept changing the whenever she brought it up. We started to open up to one another and talk about family, school ans random shit. I kept playing this "pervertish" perosna whenever I'm around her to make her laugh or something. Quite the simping faggot I know. But she genuinely enjoyed it and the more I acted more loose and "relaxed" with it the more open she became. Then one day out of the blue and i don't exactly remember how I asked her if she'd like to be my girlfriend in a joking manner. like an uttef sperg it took me a second to realize it then I panicked trying to delete it right away but she had already seen it and the remained silent. Then she started typing and stopping for a while. I think I expected her to lash at me but the only thing she eventually send was "yes". I cannot describe how awkwardly that felt or how much joy it brought me when I read that despite me knowing now it's just a silly childhood moment, kids being kids thing. After that moment would come to pass and I'll lose touch with almost everyone. The friends from my game. My Facebook pagd. Everyone grew up and went their own way.

EVEN danny had found his new friend group irl and is today posting selfies. And I'm quite happy for him. I still lurk his Facebook page from time to time and my dude is a tyronlite now. LOL

But me and sassy kept in touch for years. Sometimes we sexted. Sometimes fighting. Sometimes exchanging selfies. But eventually broke up and went our own way.

after the pandemic and quitting my job. I reached out for her as old friends. And learned she's somewhere in France now. She's a stem student and working. Living life to the fullest while I rot.

And that's that. A chapter of my life that faded into memory.

What about you. What story do you have to share?.
 
Polar-Z

Polar-Z

so tiresome
Aug 3, 2023
2,515
Did you ever try to initiate talks about meeting her irl?
Used to joke about how I'll marry her one day but I couldn't afford it. I don't exactly remember but I don't think she ever brought up meeting irl.

I know, i cope by saying she used me as an emotional tampon. But it didn't matter to me. Having someone of the opposite sex saying they love you back felt like the ultimate high at the time.
 
クーロ

クーロ

عثمان دان فوديو الثاني
Jan 23, 2024
4,157
What about you. What story do you have to share?
Mine is the same as yours except I never told her. I just kept dodging around the topic for a long time. Once we stopped talking she completely disappeared and even removed anything she uploaded online knowing I'd look for it. She's probably somewhere in the US now. Probably getting clapped by BBC but what do I know. I hope she's dead.
 
Polar-Z

Polar-Z

so tiresome
Aug 3, 2023
2,515
Mine is the same as yours except I never told her. I just kept dodging around the topic for a long time. Once we stopped talking she completely disappeared and even removed anything she uploaded online knowing I'd look for it. She's probably somewhere in the US now. Probably getting clapped by BBC but what do I know. I hope she's dead.
Never thought a fellow locationcel here would relate or even have a similar story. But do you really hate her?. Or was she just toying with you for fun of it with no emotions attached?.

I can't say I share the same resentment, she helped me through though times before I even knew about the blackpill. Like these forums, she was my go to cope and discharge.
 
クーロ

クーロ

عثمان دان فوديو الثاني
Jan 23, 2024
4,157
Never thought a fellow locationcel here would relate or even have a similar story. But do you really hate her?. Or was she just toying with you for fun of it with no emotions attached?.

I can't say I share the same resentment, she helped me through though times before I even knew about the blackpill. Like these forums, she was my go to cope and discharge.
Honestly, no. I'm just projecting the hatred I have for myself for not being honest with her. She really was the kindest person ever I was just being a dick. She was one of those people who is outwardly hostile and "mean" but had a soft spot for me in particular so after it all ended she went back to her old ways and somehow I feel responsible. She got addicted to [something] which she never heard of before I told her about it. I think about her all the time but she absolutely doesn't. She changed her number just so I wouldn't find her again. When I did and tried to message her she very bluntly told me to fuck off. Idk man... I wish I wasn't a retarded teen and had the balls to properly apologise before it was too late. I still name my in-game avatars after her, 8 years later.
 
Polar-Z

Polar-Z

so tiresome
Aug 3, 2023
2,515
Honestly, no. I'm just projecting the hatred I have for myself for not being honest with her. She really was the kindest person ever I was just being a dick. She was one of those people who is outwardly hostile and "mean" but had a soft spot for me in particular so after it all ended she went back to her old ways and somehow I feel responsible. She got addicted to [something] which she never heard of before I told her about it. I think about her all the time but she absolutely doesn't. She changed her number just so I wouldn't find her again. When I did and tried to message her she very bluntly told me to fuck off. Idk man... I wish I wasn't a retarded teen and had the balls to properly apologise before it was too late. I still name my in-game avatars after her, 8 years later.
Goddamn it. This do hit close to home, at least you got some kinda of closure with that final statement, you can relax now knowing she's moved on and so should you. The kind ones are always the fuckin worst, when they leave they leave you with nothing but self loathing and regret. Sorry you had to go through that brother.

Idk what to say tbh. I feel you but words elude me, feels like there's nothing to say, it happened and it's over and we'll have to live with it. The only thing I can think of now is the endless possibilities things could have played out differently.
 
クーロ

クーロ

عثمان دان فوديو الثاني
Jan 23, 2024
4,157
Goddamn it. This do hit close to home, at least you got some kinda of closure with that final statement, you can relax now knowing she's moved on and so should you. The kind ones are always the fuckin worst, when they leave they leave you with nothing but self loathing and regret. Sorry you had to go through that brother.

Idk what to say tbh. I feel you but words elude me, feels like there's nothing to say, it happened and it's over and we'll have to live with it. The only thing I can think of now is the endless possibilities things could have played out differently.
It's not good to dwell on the past. I know that too well to be doing it so much. This is all a fraction of what you and I will experience in the future and maybe it's all for the best. All part of being a teenager I guess. How long did it take you to move on? I shave my facial hair everytime I get the chance because I remember she hated seeing me grow it out so safe to say I never did.
 
Polar-Z

Polar-Z

so tiresome
Aug 3, 2023
2,515
It's not good to dwell on the past. I know that too well to be doing it so much. This is all a fraction of what you and I will experience in the future and maybe it's all for the best. All part of being a teenager I guess. How long did it take you to move on? I shave my facial hair everytime I get the chance because I remember she hated seeing me grow it out so safe to say I never did.
Yeah, I trey to remain sane by living in the moment. I swear I'm so close to lose my mind should I keep thinking of the past. Not that I have much sanity left.

I can't say I experienced much or anything as close to her ever after. When you read of all these teen love stories and dissociate yourself from your own past then CLICK back into reality, it became really clear to me why some guys would lose their minds and become mass murders and school shooters. I was lucky to experience a fraction of that though, indeed. If you asked me 12 years ago if I'd ever sympathise with a killer, the only thing reply I'd have is "astagfiruallah, do I look that pity to you?" LOL.

I NEVER truly moved on but as much as she was a beacon in my life, she also left me pretty fucked up mentally and spirituality, being a Muslimcel you're familiar with hoor al ayin stories, right?. Because of her I started to resent the ideas of destiny, God and heaven. Knowing that the closest thing my all Powerful God can offer me in heaven is female"DRONES" programmed to love me not by choice. Or the fact that my destiny was to be born in this shithole of a country. In this pathetic excuse of a body only to introduce me to artificial realit/dating and crave the real thing irl but never getting to experience it.

When I say move on, I always think back to the quote "ties are not something's forgotten, ties are severed"

So I never really forget a person, just emotionally detach myself from them.

I hope you grow a beard someday bro lol
 
クーロ

クーロ

عثمان دان فوديو الثاني
Jan 23, 2024
4,157
Yeah, I trey to remain sane by living in the moment. I swear I'm so close to lose my mind should I keep thinking of the past. Not that I have much sanity left.

I can't say I experienced much or anything as close to her ever after. When you read of all these teen love stories and dissociate yourself from your own past then CLICK back into reality, it became really clear to me why some guys would lose their minds and become mass murders and school shooters. I was lucky to experience a fraction of that though, indeed. If you asked me 12 years ago if I'd ever sympathise with a killer, the only thing reply I'd have is "astagfiruallah, do I look that pity to you?" LOL.

I NEVER truly moved on but as much as she was a beacon in my life, she also left me pretty fucked up mentally and spirituality, being a Muslimcel you're familiar with hoor al ayin stories, right?. Because of her I started to resent the ideas of destiny, God and heaven. Knowing that the closest thing my all Powerful God can offer me in heaven is female"DRONES" programmed to love me not by choice. Or the fact that my destiny was to be born in this shithole of a country. In this pathetic excuse of a body only to introduce me to artificial realit/dating and crave the real thing irl but never getting to experience it.

When I say move on, I always think back to the quote "ties are not something's forgotten, ties are severed"

So I never really forget a person, just emotionally detach myself from them.

I hope you grow a beard someday bro lol
>قصص حور العين
Yeah I get that and it got me thinking about the afterlife honestly. If I can get whatever I want, does that mean she can come back to me? I legit pondered that long enough to consider killing myself just to have that but came to your conclusion that it wouldn't feel the same if it was all programmed. Shit sucks man. That part about sympathising with killers is very true. I was never into the incel community but shit like this makes it all make sense. I hope you grow a beard too brother and may Allah free us from this torture, if he's up there ofc.
 
Polar-Z

Polar-Z

so tiresome
Aug 3, 2023
2,515
>قصص حور العين
Yeah I get that and it got me thinking about the afterlife honestly. If I can get whatever I want, does that mean she can come back to me? I legit pondered that long enough to consider killing myself just to have that but came to your conclusion that it wouldn't feel the same if it was all programmed. Shit sucks man. That part about sympathising with killers is very true. I was never into the incel community but shit like this makes it all make sense. I hope you grow a beard too brother and may Allah free us from this torture, if he's up there ofc.
I have nothing more to add. You hit the final nail in the coffin.

I just want to say thank you for this conversation. it really was a blast. Compared to this ocean of zoomer faggots only in it for the "lols".

God bless.
 
クーロ

クーロ

عثمان دان فوديو الثاني
Jan 23, 2024
4,157
Coming back to this thread to say it just happened again. I would kill myself, but that'd determine her victory so I'm sticking around out of spite.
 
Brother Wagecuck

Brother Wagecuck

Work and Pray
Nov 28, 2020
1,578
I dont have the attention span to read that right now but I agree. in a way if you never experienced something it saves you from pain, you wouldnt know what the difference was anyways. if you get what you want and have it snatched from you, you start to miss it.
 
Polar-Z

Polar-Z

so tiresome
Aug 3, 2023
2,515
Coming back to this thread to say it just happened again. I would kill myself, but that'd determine her victory so I'm sticking around out of spite.
Hang in there my friend, as I like to tell myself sometimes "I suffered too long for it to end so MEANINGLESSLY
 
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