D
Deleted member 3185
People Are Nothing but Tools.
- Mar 18, 2025
- 362
i don’t even know how to explain everything. sometimes i start writing and just delete it because what’s the point. it’s not like anyone’s actually listening. but whatever. here.
i was close to my mom growing up. she used to cry to me about my dad cheating on her. i was like 8. she’d sit on the floor and just break down in front of me, telling me shit a kid should never hear. i didn’t know what to do except hold her hand.My mom was the only person I ever felt safe with. it made me feel responsible for her happiness. like if i was just good enough, she’d stop hurting. then when i was 12, she left. just gone. no warning. started a new life, I live in constant fear that anyone I get close to will walk away the same way she did. Even the smallest sign of distance or coldness from someone I care about sends a jolt of panic through my veins, so I push them away first, or start begging for them to stay, my emotions flip in an instant
after that i started changing. like… not on purpose. just slowly falling apart.
my dad used to hit me. he once called me the worst thing that ever happened to him. he’d go off on me for stuff that didn’t even make sense, like when I accidentally stepped on my dogs paw or walked too close to him. sometimes he’d just stare at me like i disgusted him. like i wasn’t even his son.
my sister, the one i actually liked, started turning on me too. she’d say shit like “you ruin everything” or “you’re f***ed in the head.” she once smashed a charger on my head during an argument and fractured my skull. i remember how soaked my hair was from all the blood.
i watched my oldest sister get treated like garbage by my dad too when I was little
i got bullied at school. got ignored online. tried making friends through games and discord servers and all that, but i don’t know, i’m just not the kind of person people want to talk to. i always say the wrong thing. or i say nothing and they forget i exist.
i started self-harming around 16. nothing dramatic. just needed something to focus on that wasn’t my own head. it felt like control. or like proof i could still feel anything.
stopped eating properly for a while. sometimes i’d go days without food just to see how long i could last. other days i’d eat until i felt sick.
smoked a lot of weed when i could get it. thought it helped at first. but i kept getting too high. like, scary high. ended up in full-blown psychosis a few times. thought I was god, got super spiritual, started seeing everything as a game, humans didn’t look human. that kind of stuff.
i got addicted to porn too. not cause i was horny or whatever. it was just something to fill the time. something easy. something that made me feel something, even if it was fake.
I was showed it at a young age, like 11 years old by a weird friend.
i’ve never been in a relationship. no one’s ever really liked me like that.
i sit in my room. every day. on my computer. watching time pass. years, literally. and no one checks on me. not my dad. not my sisters. not anyone from school. it’s like i disappeared and nobody noticed.
i’m 19 and i already feel like it’s too late for me. not cause i want it to be. i just don’t see a way out. My life has fucked up my mentality so much, it would take years before I could be normal again and fix my way of thinking, I’m ruined and nothing can help me.
and if anyone actually reads this don’t give me advice. i’m not writing this for help. i’m writing it cause i’m tired of carrying it alone
i was close to my mom growing up. she used to cry to me about my dad cheating on her. i was like 8. she’d sit on the floor and just break down in front of me, telling me shit a kid should never hear. i didn’t know what to do except hold her hand.My mom was the only person I ever felt safe with. it made me feel responsible for her happiness. like if i was just good enough, she’d stop hurting. then when i was 12, she left. just gone. no warning. started a new life, I live in constant fear that anyone I get close to will walk away the same way she did. Even the smallest sign of distance or coldness from someone I care about sends a jolt of panic through my veins, so I push them away first, or start begging for them to stay, my emotions flip in an instant
after that i started changing. like… not on purpose. just slowly falling apart.
my dad used to hit me. he once called me the worst thing that ever happened to him. he’d go off on me for stuff that didn’t even make sense, like when I accidentally stepped on my dogs paw or walked too close to him. sometimes he’d just stare at me like i disgusted him. like i wasn’t even his son.
my sister, the one i actually liked, started turning on me too. she’d say shit like “you ruin everything” or “you’re f***ed in the head.” she once smashed a charger on my head during an argument and fractured my skull. i remember how soaked my hair was from all the blood.
i watched my oldest sister get treated like garbage by my dad too when I was little
i got bullied at school. got ignored online. tried making friends through games and discord servers and all that, but i don’t know, i’m just not the kind of person people want to talk to. i always say the wrong thing. or i say nothing and they forget i exist.
i started self-harming around 16. nothing dramatic. just needed something to focus on that wasn’t my own head. it felt like control. or like proof i could still feel anything.
stopped eating properly for a while. sometimes i’d go days without food just to see how long i could last. other days i’d eat until i felt sick.
smoked a lot of weed when i could get it. thought it helped at first. but i kept getting too high. like, scary high. ended up in full-blown psychosis a few times. thought I was god, got super spiritual, started seeing everything as a game, humans didn’t look human. that kind of stuff.
i got addicted to porn too. not cause i was horny or whatever. it was just something to fill the time. something easy. something that made me feel something, even if it was fake.
I was showed it at a young age, like 11 years old by a weird friend.
i’ve never been in a relationship. no one’s ever really liked me like that.
i sit in my room. every day. on my computer. watching time pass. years, literally. and no one checks on me. not my dad. not my sisters. not anyone from school. it’s like i disappeared and nobody noticed.
i’m 19 and i already feel like it’s too late for me. not cause i want it to be. i just don’t see a way out. My life has fucked up my mentality so much, it would take years before I could be normal again and fix my way of thinking, I’m ruined and nothing can help me.
and if anyone actually reads this don’t give me advice. i’m not writing this for help. i’m writing it cause i’m tired of carrying it alone
