I forgot how autistic I truly am

[anon1822fourthacc]

I've become very high functioning, seemingly normal (other than the fact that I never leave the house and spend 16 hours a day in front of a screen lmao).

But there's a reason why I spend all my time alone.

I used to be very, very sociable as a little kid. At first I couldn't look people in the eyes, like the first few minutes of meeting up with someone (when I was like ~5). But after I warmed up, I'd go HYPER, jumping around and being super excited.

Anyway, as I grew up my nature that wanted to be hyper and interact with people changed dramatically. Because obviously I was weird to other kids, and that lead to bullying and mocking. Well, maybe those are strong words, and it's not really other people's fault. I was just a weird hyper kid who said weird things, too honest and naive.

Eventually that turned into being so shy and reserved that I was super guarded and antisocial. It happened after I got burned time and time again. I learned that opening my mouth and being who I am leads to me being mocked hard.

Now that I think about it, that's when my depression started. Around ~12-13 years of age. When I was smart enough to understand that my ADHD, autism and weak body meant I was in for a tough life.

Whatever, I'm happy now. I love lying in bed in front of my laptop for 16 hours a day. Wouldn't change it for the world. Just thought it was interesting how it all snowballs. I can trace my rotting and antsocial behavior right now all the way back to my childhood.

 

[Nameless_sunflower]

I've become very high functioning, seemingly normal (other than the fact that I never leave the house and spend 16 hours a day in front of a screen lmao).

But there's a reason why I spend all my time alone.

I used to be very, very sociable as a little kid. At first I couldn't look people in the eyes, like the first few minutes of meeting up with someone (when I was like ~5). But after I warmed up, I'd go HYPER, jumping around and being super excited.

Anyway, as I grew up my nature that wanted to be hyper and interact with people changed dramatically. Because obviously I was weird to other kids, and that lead to bullying and mocking. Well, maybe those are strong words, and it's not really other people's fault. I was just a weird hyper kid who said weird things, too honest and naive.

Eventually that turned into being so shy and reserved that I was super guarded and antisocial. It happened after I got burned time and time again. I learned that opening my mouth and being who I am leads to me being mocked hard.

Now that I think about it, that's when my depression started. Around ~12-13 years of age. When I was smart enough to understand that my ADHD, autism and weak body meant I was in for a tough life.

Whatever, I'm happy now. I love lying in bed in front of my laptop for 16 hours a day. Wouldn't change it for the world. Just thought it was interesting how it all snowballs. I can trace my rotting and antsocial behavior right now all the way back to my childhood.

very simillar expierence and current situation

I think you being hyperactive and attention-seeking might have been because your parents didn't give you enough time and affection

 

[Cope_Time]

Same, thats how we all end up in front of pc's anyway

 

[frightfulcel]

I had similar experiences but I don't think about them anymore jfl

 

[anon1822fourthacc]

I had similar experiences but I don't think about them anymore jfl

Feels weird, doesn't it? Been antisocial and just isolating myself in my room for so long that I forgot that I'm a weirdo lmao.

 

[frightfulcel]

Feels weird, doesn't it? Been antisocial and just isolating myself in my room for so long that I forgot that I'm a weirdo lmao.

You made me think back to when I was 13, I forgot that I use to be young and what it felt like because ive been rotting for so long. Really weird feeling ngl. We tend to forget who we were in all the rotting.

 

[anon1822fourthacc]

You made me think back to when I was 13, I forgot that I use to be young and what it felt like because ive been rotting for so long. Really weird feeling ngl. We tend to forget who we were in all the rotting.

Exactly! You get it, this is exactly what I'm talking about. It's like rotting made me develop different identities. There's the me who is stays at home all day, then there's the me that exists when I talk to other people. Actually, that's a bad way of putting it. It's more like ... I forgot who I was, the way you said it. Or am I even that person anymore? I'm so different from the way I used to be, radically different. Am I even the person that I remember?

A year or two after graduating high school, there was a guy who messaged me and after talking a bit he said that I changed the most out of anybody. Kek, then like a year later we bumped into each other on the street and I was so embarrassed and anxious about the things I said while messaging (I was drunk, during my alcoholic phase) that I literally turned my head and refused to shake his hand or acknowledge he existed. Damn, I regret doing that so bad. Such a nasty and bad thing to do. But my autism and anxiety and shame from the things I said while drunk (nothing much, just you know, being more sociable as opposed to a shy loner that doesn't say anything at all) made me freeze and insult him like that. What a stupid thing to do.

Anyway, he thought I had changed a lot back then. But since then I changed 10 different times.